Last words for 2011 - ENJOY!

I am watching “He’s Not that Into You” and thinking about "Love Jones", and "Love and Basketball". It occurred to me why I started this relationship blog in the first place. I wanted to create a place to discuss, debate, and marinate about the pros and cons of relationships and all that comes with them. And I don't want to think like a man, I want to embrace my womanhood and the self-love that I have worked so hard to gain. There is many who believe that all men cheat (and some women). There are many that believe that Disney sold them an unrealistic bill of goods. There are those that still believe that happiness is simply impossible and you should settle for anything rather than be alone. And then there are those that think that marriage is stupid, commitments are not kept, and sex can ruin a relationship. In 2012, I want everyone who reads my blog to share their experiences including the bitterness, the joy, the pain, the good stuff, and the annoyances. I wish for every man and woman who reads these words to experience love in his or her own way. Let me repeat that. In your own way! Not according to some book you read, or what you saw last week on a talk show, not what your friends have, but what works for you. Embrace it and never give it up because naysayers tell you it should look different. Embrace it because it feels good. Take it slow and easy. Make sure you leap in with your eyes and heart wide open. That way you can see the truth and the lies all at once. Then figure out what you want and what you want it to look like.

I know I said forget about the rules and advice but I could not resist sharing some tidbits that I have found helpful, and have worked for men and women alike:

• Men and women who want to chat over the age of 30 will email and text. Those who want to get to know you will talk to you in person and on the phone. They will be capable of a real conversation
  

• Rushing into something with all your hormones full throttle is great for sex but not the best for a relationship. Get to know each other (and still have sex, LOL)

• Be realistic. If you find yourself figuring out ways that you can change to make them happier, STOP! And review if you should be there in the first place

• If someone is always making excuses about why you can’t hang out, please run in the other direction and take the hint. They may not be interested and busy.

• Start all conversations with a smile. Happiness begets happiness.

• Take a good look at where you are and make sure that your expectations match. Do not expect what you are not willing to give. Stop searching for somebody to make things easier for you
  

• You should be able to be yourself as you settle into a relationship. If you are walking on egg shells then inquire why because that is simply not cool.

• Be very clear about what you want. Do not say what is PC and then change your mind. It can be confusing and feelings can get hurt (on either side).
• Trust your instincts. If you feel unloved and you know that you checked your previous baggage at the door, then choose you and never be afraid to be HAPPY! (or at least pleasantly content)
  

9. HAVE FUN! 2012 will only happen once. Enjoy yourself. Be safe. Be courageous. Be honest. And most of all BE loved.

Throw away that damn list and unattainable expectations

Can women climb the ladder of success and still have traditional expectations of prospective mates or spouses? I don’t think so. I believe that since Black women are graduating at higher numbers from college, and breaking the proverbial glass ceilings in corporate settings, then the relationships that they seek may look different. Women, who are financially stable, educated, and emotionally content may need a partner who supports them differently. Should they seek a financial, emotional, spiritual, or kindred match?

I have my views, but I also have some examples to share. I know someone who is the head chemist at a Black hair care corporation. She makes a nice 6 figure salary, and her spouse is a chef. He used to own his own catering company, but they decided financially it was more frugal for him to remain at home with their two young girls as her position became more demanding. Now this is not an exception, there are a lot of black men taking on different roles in the household. There are more couples that may not be educational matches, but mentally and spiritually they are ideal. How and what is happening? If I am able to make $200,000 annually, and someone I am dating only makes $50,000 is that an unfair match or one made in heaven? I am asking because there are still women and men seeking a traditional relationship in a nontraditional environment. I personally know men who are well read, and have a high school diploma and work a blue collar job. I also know women who have successful home businesses with a high school education, and a partner who works outside of the home earning less. If all of this exists, then what does that mean for relationships between Black men and women? Obviously, I believe that it is changing. In fact, for the last 15 years it has been changing, and some of us either has not noticed or ignored it.

In this new arena, the following is required:

1. Powerful women need and desire someone who supports them and is not easily intimidated

2. This new tradition requires partners who are willing to communicate openly, honestly, and explicitly

3. Career minded women need someone who is not intimidated or frightened by possible role reversal (Being a stay at home dad, or working a schedule that compliments rather than works against)

4. Those that are educated desire conversation, kindness, empathy, and open-mindedness.

5. They like a man who does not mind planning events, and being mindful of a schedule since theirs is usually very busy.

6. Lastly, Black men and women need to understand that being in a relationship requires an honest look at what both individuals are coming to the table with. Love is never enough, and it is okay if you have to keep looking until you find someone just for you

These are mere suggestions. The thread that walks through them all is that if you have been keeping a list of unrealistic expectations for that special someone now is a great time to toss them in the trash. Write a few things down based on where you are in your life right now. Ask yourself where you actually stand in terms of finance, emotions, spiritual growth, education, and personal baggage. Not where you imagine you should be, but where you are. Then seek someone who can offer balance to what actually exists in a meaningful, trusting and loving manner.

Before you say I DO

If you are ready to walk down the aisle. Have you asked yourself some very important questions about your partner? The following areas are vital if you want to have lasting relationship.

• Do you have common life goals?
• Do you make each other laugh?
• Are you financial matches? Are your attitudes towards money in sync?
• Do you understand how to be intimate with each other?
• Can you effectively communicate during conflict?
• Do you feel supported (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually)?
• Do you have a common religious or spiritual foundation/network?
• How do you want to raise children? Will you be balanced in the time and energy spent
• What do you value? (material needs, comfort, or personal growth)

These are just a few of the things you should consider before saying I DO. It is great to be in love, but that will only take you so far. If you plan on spending a lifetime with someone, then take it seriously and have a real talk. One based on honesty, mutual respect, love, and the willingness to be great friends if you find some deal breakers.

Now to the Bedroom- the Benefits- Part 2

The Benefits are amazing. When singers sing about lovers living longer, they never lied.

According to the Journal of American Medical Association there are several benefits to consistent sexual activity.

1. It relieves stress.
2. Having sex once or twice a week lowers your blood pressure and creates higher levels of an antibody called Immunoglobin A (prevents colds and other infections)
3. Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more (That totals 3, 570 calories in 42 sessions)
4. Improves your cardiovascular health and boosts self esteem
5. Achieving orgasms increase levels of oxytocin (love hormone) and helps build bond and trust
6. Sex reduces pain
7. Increases endorphins that alleviate headaches, arthritis pain, and PMS symptoms
8. Frequent ejaculations or sexual activity can reduce one's risk for prostrate cancer
9. Helps you sleep better and maintain a healthy weight

Sex also strengthens Pelvic floor muscles in women. If you perform Kegels during sex and leisure it will increase pleasure and decrease possible incontinence later in life. Kegels can be performed by imitating the squeezing that occurs when you are trying very hard not to urinate. If you do this several times a day it can strengthen those muscles. When you are really strong, you can squeeze and lengthen the time needed for your partner to ejaculate. A gentle squeeze right when ejaculation is about to occur will cause you both to experience heightened orgasmic sensations.

Now to the Bedroom - Read with Caution- Part 1

This is about the benefits and joys of intimacy and sex. If any of these topics make you squeamish or nervous, you may want to skip this until you are ready. Sex is very natural, but unfortunately I feel that we as women still judge ourselves on what is naughty or nice when we enter the bedroom. This is a guide that I hope will equip with you with the knowledge and confidence to have sex with finesse, confidence, and intelligence. Black women and men barely discuss sex in intelligent circles. And we hardly mention it unless there is some negativity or stigma attached. I am here to dispel the myths and offer some sisterly advice.

According to Dr. Oz, couples on average should have sex 200 times per year, and Americans average only 65 moments of ecstasy. No wonder Americans walk around with their faces all tight and very few smiles to share. Conflicting images can make it difficult for us to be our best-uninhibited selves when it comes to getting our groove back.

First, the parameters of the relationship must be established. Are you in a monogamous relationship? Are you married? Exclusive friends with benefits? Life partners? Open relationships? No matter the title. All intimacy and sexual activity should be preceded with a real honest conversation about what it really looks like between you and the other person. Rules of engagement should be established and respected. If any change occurs, you should agree to sit down and reset the rules or end the agreement altogether. Both parties should review their most recent STD/HIV tests and review preferred methods of protection. This is valuable because most relationship books make the assumption that sex only occurs between open and honest individuals, or that every one waits until they are married or in an established relationship. If and when sex happens, all participants deserve to have a healthy and wonderful sexual experience.

Intimacy is different from sex. It involves hugging, touching, kissing, and being with a person in silence. Even if it is a one night stand, intimacy makes for better sex. The stimulation from human touch and kissing create natural stimulants that heighten the level of arousal. No amount of KY or condom lubricant can replace the natural lubricant that every body is capable of creating. Intimacy can create an orgasm without sexual intercourse, if you know what you are doing. Seek out your partner's erogenous zones. These are places like behind the ear or right above the thigh. It will make you scream for more. Research proves that certain massages can create rock hard erections and stimulate clitorises. They can be fun to give and receive. Classes are available that will teach you appropriate massage technique. Many books and advice columns refer to these rituals as foreplay. I consider them must play. If you want the experience to be a memorable one, it is vital that it occurs.

Now lets talk about oral sex. Flavored condoms or dental dams are a wonderful partner for this. They are quite tasty and and do not take away from the warmth of a mouth on a man's penis or a woman's vagina. Some men will tell you that there is no such thing as a bad blow job, but the honest ones will tell you different. In order for it to be successful, you have to be a willing participant. If you don't like it PLEASE don't do it until you learn to love it. Be creative and consistent. Listen and watch your partner's reaction to determine if your combination of licks and gentle or hard sucks is good or not. Watch porn. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, the sex industry makes a business of blow jobs. So why not watch some experts in order to find some different techniques that work for you and your established sexual partner. If you are in a long term relationship (like a marriage), you also must decide during the pre-parameter conversation if you will swallow or not. Once the momentum is building you do not want to be shocked with an unpleasant or pleasant surprise.

If you are giving fellatio to a woman similar rules apply. Women have two spots that are important , the clitoris and the G spot. Now the clitoris is a small spongy surface right above the labia, and when it is aroused it becomes puffy and hard. No matter the length or strength of your tongue. It is your consistency and creativeness with the licks, kisses and sucking that will create an orgasm. Unlike men, women can achieve multiple orgasms. You can offer additional stimulation while you are performing oral sex on a female by positioning yourself so that your finger can enter her vagina at the same time. If you enter the finger as if you are saying come here, you will feel a spongy area, that is the G spot, Women experience heightened wetness and orgasmic responses when this combination is performed correctly. Please make sure that your nails are trimmed because scratches can easily happen. If you don't like giving fellatio, then don't. There is nothing more insulting or anticlimactic then someone who performs it as if they are being forced to eat liver (unless you like liver). If you are nervous or inexperienced, then share your worries and fears with your partner. Communication is the key to success in every aspect of intimacy and sex.

I hope you have noticed that communication is imperative. If sex makes you feel guilty or you remember those Catholic nuns telling you how sinful it was, then deal with that. There is nothing more damaging to a relationship then disappointing or a lack of sex. You have to feel good about yourself to have good sex. If you cannot be honest with your partner, and practice open communication and open mindedness then you will go nowhere fast. Or you will spiral into self hate and loathing. As we continue this discussion, please remember that these are simply tools to be shared and discussed until you discover what works for you.

Everyone deserves a Happily Ever After

I have been thinking about relationships and love. Especially after reading
an article inquiring where the love has gone from R and B music. And after
spending a few years with high school students and listening to their
conversations, I have begun to wonder where the love has gone. There is plenty
of talk around sex and more sex and cheating and not getting caught. We all
laugh on the outside when we watch Maury to see who is not the father of a
beautiful baby pictured on video for all to see. We watch cheaters and reality
TV filled with emotional turmoil and strife. Then I begin to listen to my
friends who have been disillusioned and sold a bag of terrible goods when it
comes to relationships.

They are so wrapped up in hurt and despair that they
refuse to even give the thought of love another opportunity to enter their
lives. So then why are we surprised that love has vanished from R and B. Aretha,
Teddy, Marvin, Luther and Freddy used to rock us to slow jams that made you want
stay wrapped up in the arms of a loved one and hang in there for the ride. Now,
we want a quickie in the dark with protection (the only bonus), and no
conversation. Boring! I choose to be happy. Not because I fell for a Disney
picture hook line and sinker. But because I have been in love, and fortunately
have been loved back without regrets or trauma. I mean real love that never had
me apologizing for who I was, and one that encouraged me to be me at all times.
Even when that me was cranky, rude, teary, or confused. Even though, I am
single. I am very hopeful that love will venture back my way. I am also hopeful
that all of my single friends who are beautiful will find a similar soul to be
content with.

And I realize that perfection does not exist, but happiness does.
No matter how stressful your job or financial situation may be, the least you
deserve is joy from a significant other. You should be able to sit with someone
you are interested in and have a great conversation, and want to spend time with
them. Just because it makes you feel good. Nothing needy. Just honest
companionship that makes you feel as if you are a part of something truly
inspirational. Now some may ready this, and say that it is sappy. But, I
remember listening to those songs, especially the ones by Earth Wind and Fire.
The ones that gave us hope that there was always something better, and that we
deserved to be a part of something greater than us. No matter what you believe
in.

Believe in love. Have a love fest with yourself first. and then venture out
and find your happy ending. They do exist. For all of us. I know I am not afraid
to give it another try. And I want my daughter to grow up and not be afraid or
swayed by those who have lost love and are now only searching for physical
pleasure. Instead of emotional and spiritual longevity. Trust me. If you can
find all three, emotional, spiritual and physical contentment. It is always
worth it. And it always feels good.

Does Love have a Color or a Price Tag?

Lately, I have been amazed at the number of articles geared towards black
women and their dating choices. Black male authors have begun to challenge the
idea that Black women will hold out for their Black King or prince. They offer
up statistics that rate how many Black men are currently incarcerated and how
many do not hold a college degree.

The solution to all of these gloom and doom scenarios is to date outside of one's race. Be more open to the possibility of finding love somewhere else. Just when you are ready to head out and give it a
try, the same writers offer the fact that Black women rate the lowest on the
attractive chart for most non-black males.I am no longer able to stay silent.

None of these articles discuss compatibility or where a heart can find comfort.
They paint dismal pictures and the idea that black single women are sitting at
home settling for less.

At the end of the day, you have to find what brings you
joy and peace of mind. When you are looking, it may surprise you when you see the
package that it comes in. Culturally, there are many reasons that black women
prefer black men. There are not many articles questioning why white women prefer
the companionship of white men. It is nice to not have to explain the nuances
and dissonance that comes with being Black in a world that reminds you of the
fact every day. Yet, I know many interracial couples that make it work, and have
found love and companionship.The question still remains. Does love have a color or a price tag?

Does it matter? Will you lose your identity with a partner that
does not share your background?

The same can be said for those who do not share
the same educational track. At the end of the day, all relationships begin with
a spark and communication. Hearing one's voice across the room, and knowing
that someone supports you in all that you are is the foundation for love to
prosper in grow. When someone really hears what you are saying, and is able to
share in your spiritual, mental, and physical existence then that should
interest you enough to pursue something further. It should encourage the both of
you to nurture and build on the possibility that love does exist. And that does
not take a certain color, salary or degree, it just takes patience and common
sense.

Everyone desires to walk into a room and feel love, friendship, and
companionship. Everyone deserves to have that. Anything that makes you feel less
or inadequate should not be acceptable.Black women are always being fed some
nonsense and expected to believe it out of desperation for answers. Last time, I
checked there are not many of us with such a low sense of self worth that we are
sitting at home praying for the perfect formula that will send us the perfect
mate. Every woman, regardless of ethnicity, deserves passion, honesty, enriching
conversation, laughter, and kindness.

Now I challenge those same writers to
create an article that addresses those issues. Nothing more and nothing
less

What is love to me?

Love should sweep you off your feet.

It represents minutes, days, weeks, months, or decades

Sitting on the rocks near Lake Michigan to watch the sunrise after an argument

Laying with you when chicken soup just will not take the cold away

Listening to your writing because they can hear your words

Watching a game on television when you'd rather be watching Glee

Missing your family because they went on vacation while you worked

Laughing at something funny that makes you smile from the inside out

Nursing your new bundle of joy while sitting in a rocking chair

Watching children play in the park

Seeing the excitement in your child's face at their first fireworks show

Going to an old drive in movie to eat real buttered popcorn and good pizza

Sharing a conversation or a story with wine at a small cafe with friends

Sitting across from your sister or brother in silence and knowing

Finally love in the everyday and the extraordinary

Love is the nuances of a singer's soul, a writer's voice, and a painter's vision

It is the fear and calm that surrounds us everyday

It is messy, wet, clean, and imperfect

What is love to you?