This is about the benefits and joys of intimacy and sex. If any of these topics make you squeamish or nervous, you may want to skip this until you are ready. Sex is very natural, but unfortunately I feel that we as women still judge ourselves on what is naughty or nice when we enter the bedroom. This is a guide that I hope will equip with you with the knowledge and confidence to have sex with finesse, confidence, and intelligence. Black women and men barely discuss sex in intelligent circles. And we hardly mention it unless there is some negativity or stigma attached. I am here to dispel the myths and offer some sisterly advice.
According to Dr. Oz, couples on average should have sex 200 times per year, and Americans average only 65 moments of ecstasy. No wonder Americans walk around with their faces all tight and very few smiles to share. Conflicting images can make it difficult for us to be our best-uninhibited selves when it comes to getting our groove back.
First, the parameters of the relationship must be established. Are you in a monogamous relationship? Are you married? Exclusive friends with benefits? Life partners? Open relationships? No matter the title. All intimacy and sexual activity should be preceded with a real honest conversation about what it really looks like between you and the other person. Rules of engagement should be established and respected. If any change occurs, you should agree to sit down and reset the rules or end the agreement altogether. Both parties should review their most recent STD/HIV tests and review preferred methods of protection. This is valuable because most relationship books make the assumption that sex only occurs between open and honest individuals, or that every one waits until they are married or in an established relationship. If and when sex happens, all participants deserve to have a healthy and wonderful sexual experience.
Intimacy is different from sex. It involves hugging, touching, kissing, and being with a person in silence. Even if it is a one night stand, intimacy makes for better sex. The stimulation from human touch and kissing create natural stimulants that heighten the level of arousal. No amount of KY or condom lubricant can replace the natural lubricant that every body is capable of creating. Intimacy can create an orgasm without sexual intercourse, if you know what you are doing. Seek out your partner's erogenous zones. These are places like behind the ear or right above the thigh. It will make you scream for more. Research proves that certain massages can create rock hard erections and stimulate clitorises. They can be fun to give and receive. Classes are available that will teach you appropriate massage technique. Many books and advice columns refer to these rituals as foreplay. I consider them must play. If you want the experience to be a memorable one, it is vital that it occurs.
Now lets talk about oral sex. Flavored condoms or dental dams are a wonderful partner for this. They are quite tasty and and do not take away from the warmth of a mouth on a man's penis or a woman's vagina. Some men will tell you that there is no such thing as a bad blow job, but the honest ones will tell you different. In order for it to be successful, you have to be a willing participant. If you don't like it PLEASE don't do it until you learn to love it. Be creative and consistent. Listen and watch your partner's reaction to determine if your combination of licks and gentle or hard sucks is good or not. Watch porn. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, the sex industry makes a business of blow jobs. So why not watch some experts in order to find some different techniques that work for you and your established sexual partner. If you are in a long term relationship (like a marriage), you also must decide during the pre-parameter conversation if you will swallow or not. Once the momentum is building you do not want to be shocked with an unpleasant or pleasant surprise.
If you are giving fellatio to a woman similar rules apply. Women have two spots that are important , the clitoris and the G spot. Now the clitoris is a small spongy surface right above the labia, and when it is aroused it becomes puffy and hard. No matter the length or strength of your tongue. It is your consistency and creativeness with the licks, kisses and sucking that will create an orgasm. Unlike men, women can achieve multiple orgasms. You can offer additional stimulation while you are performing oral sex on a female by positioning yourself so that your finger can enter her vagina at the same time. If you enter the finger as if you are saying come here, you will feel a spongy area, that is the G spot, Women experience heightened wetness and orgasmic responses when this combination is performed correctly. Please make sure that your nails are trimmed because scratches can easily happen. If you don't like giving fellatio, then don't. There is nothing more insulting or anticlimactic then someone who performs it as if they are being forced to eat liver (unless you like liver). If you are nervous or inexperienced, then share your worries and fears with your partner. Communication is the key to success in every aspect of intimacy and sex.
I hope you have noticed that communication is imperative. If sex makes you feel guilty or you remember those Catholic nuns telling you how sinful it was, then deal with that. There is nothing more damaging to a relationship then disappointing or a lack of sex. You have to feel good about yourself to have good sex. If you cannot be honest with your partner, and practice open communication and open mindedness then you will go nowhere fast. Or you will spiral into self hate and loathing. As we continue this discussion, please remember that these are simply tools to be shared and discussed until you discover what works for you.
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