Authenticity - The Truth

If you are not being truly authentic with your partner, then you may want to question why. Suppressing your honest self can be detrimental and a function of fear. So fearlessly love yourself enough to know that your quirks are just as beautiful as your strengths. And you should not be the only person in the relationship who appreciates them.

The definition of authentic is being real, not copied, or genuine. The purpose in all of our relationships is to be able to express ourselves honestly. You also have to take responsibility for your own responses and perceptions. For example, you may have a brother who is very kind, but only allows outsiders in so far to his inner emotional circle. Every time he meets someone new, and they become friends, the friendship is based on an understanding that this is how he operates. If one of his friends decides that his behavior makes them uncomfortable, then they can choose to walk away or remain and change their understanding. This is always true when we develop relationships with family, friends, peers, and intimate ones.  

The responsibility comes with the choices we make. Relating to others is not easy. It can sometimes be complex and beautiful simultaneously. We all choose how we will be or not be with another person. The choices we make on purpose are more important than our flaws and quirks. You meet a fellow artist at a party. You quickly become fast friends and realize that you have much in common. A month later the facades are removed, and you both begin to reveal more of yourselves to each other. Soon something happens that either hurts your feelings, or makes you question the value of the friendship. If you decide to continue being a friend to the person, then you should continue on that path without resentment with a clear understanding that you are responsible for your half of the relationship, and unable to change the other person.

This is a call for all of us to embrace who we truly are. Love ourselves through honest eyes, and never be afraid to dump our unnecessary baggage for a better you. Shit will not become Prada simply because you put some love and understanding on it. It’s still shit getting in the way of you realizing your greatest potential.

Tips to be authentic:

·         Listen and be observant

·         Be honest with yourself and others

·         Try your best

·         Do not make decisions based on fear

·         Recognize the difference between nonconstructive criticisms and insults

How Love can transform you...

Love is not malicious or manipulative. It gives one the courage to be honest, and it does not attempt to take advantage of someone.  All of our relationships create the canvas of any given society or community.  The small everyday relationships are microcosms of the whole. When we turn on the news and the top headlines are full of death, violence, and abuse then that demonstrates a failure in our ability to love one another. I realize that the American term love is overused and sometimes oversimplified because we only have one word to mean multiple things. It describes the emotion between a mother and a child, two lovers, a tasty dessert, an amazing play, a heartfelt poem, or a passionate song. We can use the word love to describe our feelings for all the above.

                

This entry addresses the love that Desmond Tutu utilized to transform the effects of apartheid on South Africa.  “We may be surprised at the people we find in heaven. God has a soft spot for sinners. His standards are quite low” (Tutu).  This takes me to the next point about forgiveness. Many of us are walking around with such heavy burdens from past hurt and disappointment that we refuse to love or simply find ourselves unable to.  All of us try our best including those who have wronged us. We owe it to ourselves to acknowledge the pain, forgive ourselves and our oppressors, and attempt to move on by sharing love one day at a time. War and revenge provide nothing but more pain, and devastation. It is easy to love when things are going swell, but the challenge is to find love when things are difficult and mired in fear. That is when true healing can begin, and we can begin to live more fully and openly.

               

“Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is on earth” (Don Miguel Ruiz).

Happy Valentines Day to all the Singles

This is for the singles on this beautiful Valentine’s Day. I thought it would be remiss of me to not post something on the relationship holiday of the year. SO here it goes. On this beautiful day remember that love is not simply the definition of what can occur between two individuals. It is also an exclamation of what must happen within you throughout our journey of life. We must love ourselves first.  I know that we hear it all the time, and many of us that are single would love to wrap up in the arms of another and gaze into their eyes while eating chocolate covered strawberries. Well grab a mirror and those strawberries ladies and gents. You can gaze upon your own beauty and handsomeness and eat away. In fact, you can eat all you like and share with the company of one. No arguing over who should get the last bite or sip of champagne because it is all yours to have. Yummy!

For the single ladies, treat yourself to a spa day. A nice massage, a pedicure, and an invigorating facial. Grab a few of your friends and have a Valentine’s Day out. Bring flowers for your friends and celebrate the love and beauty sitting around the table. Celebrate being happy, and finally knowing what that feels like. Celebrate the fact that you finally feel good about your flaws and imperfections.

For those who are single with children, eat candy and give cards to each other. Make some red velvet waffles with berries and whip cream (Just saw it on Rachel Ray). Tell your children that you love them and Happy Valentine’s Day. Show them through hugs, sweets, and kisses. This way they will grow up not embarrassed by love, and able to open themselves up to love as adults (in a healthy fashion, without regrets).

For the single guys, continue to develop your mind, heart, and spirit by surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones. Embrace the fact that it is ok to go to the movies alone, and take a vacation of one. Listen to some tune on Spotify and dance in the middle of the living room. If you are seeking someone special, they will love you even more once you start loving yourself first.

For those that are single, but have someone they call their “Special Friend.” Give them a call. Invite them to a home cooked meal, and watch reruns of Justified or Action Week on AMC. (Nothing like Hard to Kill and Die Hard to make everything feel better) Just remember to have fun.

That’s right have fun. Do not define your day by what folks share or do not share on Face Book. Do not define your day by the overexposure of commercials for dating sites, and expensive jewelry. Define your day by what makes your heart sing. Define your day by what makes you joyous. It can be as simple as a book, a conversation, hot sex, hugging, drinking, or hanging with friends.

Whatever it is have a Happy Valentine’s Day, and please remember love like there is no tomorrow. Give people flowers while they are alive. Tell someone you love them at least once. Break bread with someone you have not seen in awhile before it is too late. Live life with no regrets. I may be single, but I am happy in my own skin, and I would rather see the glass half full then half empty. The love I feel every day from my friends, family, and adopted family makes me smile constantly. And smiling is contagious. So pass it on. Smooches and Hugs from me to you. Love is 365 days of the year and never limited to February 14th.

Last words for 2011 - ENJOY!

I am watching “He’s Not that Into You” and thinking about "Love Jones", and "Love and Basketball". It occurred to me why I started this relationship blog in the first place. I wanted to create a place to discuss, debate, and marinate about the pros and cons of relationships and all that comes with them. And I don't want to think like a man, I want to embrace my womanhood and the self-love that I have worked so hard to gain. There is many who believe that all men cheat (and some women). There are many that believe that Disney sold them an unrealistic bill of goods. There are those that still believe that happiness is simply impossible and you should settle for anything rather than be alone. And then there are those that think that marriage is stupid, commitments are not kept, and sex can ruin a relationship. In 2012, I want everyone who reads my blog to share their experiences including the bitterness, the joy, the pain, the good stuff, and the annoyances. I wish for every man and woman who reads these words to experience love in his or her own way. Let me repeat that. In your own way! Not according to some book you read, or what you saw last week on a talk show, not what your friends have, but what works for you. Embrace it and never give it up because naysayers tell you it should look different. Embrace it because it feels good. Take it slow and easy. Make sure you leap in with your eyes and heart wide open. That way you can see the truth and the lies all at once. Then figure out what you want and what you want it to look like.

I know I said forget about the rules and advice but I could not resist sharing some tidbits that I have found helpful, and have worked for men and women alike:

• Men and women who want to chat over the age of 30 will email and text. Those who want to get to know you will talk to you in person and on the phone. They will be capable of a real conversation
  

• Rushing into something with all your hormones full throttle is great for sex but not the best for a relationship. Get to know each other (and still have sex, LOL)

• Be realistic. If you find yourself figuring out ways that you can change to make them happier, STOP! And review if you should be there in the first place

• If someone is always making excuses about why you can’t hang out, please run in the other direction and take the hint. They may not be interested and busy.

• Start all conversations with a smile. Happiness begets happiness.

• Take a good look at where you are and make sure that your expectations match. Do not expect what you are not willing to give. Stop searching for somebody to make things easier for you
  

• You should be able to be yourself as you settle into a relationship. If you are walking on egg shells then inquire why because that is simply not cool.

• Be very clear about what you want. Do not say what is PC and then change your mind. It can be confusing and feelings can get hurt (on either side).
• Trust your instincts. If you feel unloved and you know that you checked your previous baggage at the door, then choose you and never be afraid to be HAPPY! (or at least pleasantly content)
  

9. HAVE FUN! 2012 will only happen once. Enjoy yourself. Be safe. Be courageous. Be honest. And most of all BE loved.

Throw away that damn list and unattainable expectations

Can women climb the ladder of success and still have traditional expectations of prospective mates or spouses? I don’t think so. I believe that since Black women are graduating at higher numbers from college, and breaking the proverbial glass ceilings in corporate settings, then the relationships that they seek may look different. Women, who are financially stable, educated, and emotionally content may need a partner who supports them differently. Should they seek a financial, emotional, spiritual, or kindred match?

I have my views, but I also have some examples to share. I know someone who is the head chemist at a Black hair care corporation. She makes a nice 6 figure salary, and her spouse is a chef. He used to own his own catering company, but they decided financially it was more frugal for him to remain at home with their two young girls as her position became more demanding. Now this is not an exception, there are a lot of black men taking on different roles in the household. There are more couples that may not be educational matches, but mentally and spiritually they are ideal. How and what is happening? If I am able to make $200,000 annually, and someone I am dating only makes $50,000 is that an unfair match or one made in heaven? I am asking because there are still women and men seeking a traditional relationship in a nontraditional environment. I personally know men who are well read, and have a high school diploma and work a blue collar job. I also know women who have successful home businesses with a high school education, and a partner who works outside of the home earning less. If all of this exists, then what does that mean for relationships between Black men and women? Obviously, I believe that it is changing. In fact, for the last 15 years it has been changing, and some of us either has not noticed or ignored it.

In this new arena, the following is required:

1. Powerful women need and desire someone who supports them and is not easily intimidated

2. This new tradition requires partners who are willing to communicate openly, honestly, and explicitly

3. Career minded women need someone who is not intimidated or frightened by possible role reversal (Being a stay at home dad, or working a schedule that compliments rather than works against)

4. Those that are educated desire conversation, kindness, empathy, and open-mindedness.

5. They like a man who does not mind planning events, and being mindful of a schedule since theirs is usually very busy.

6. Lastly, Black men and women need to understand that being in a relationship requires an honest look at what both individuals are coming to the table with. Love is never enough, and it is okay if you have to keep looking until you find someone just for you

These are mere suggestions. The thread that walks through them all is that if you have been keeping a list of unrealistic expectations for that special someone now is a great time to toss them in the trash. Write a few things down based on where you are in your life right now. Ask yourself where you actually stand in terms of finance, emotions, spiritual growth, education, and personal baggage. Not where you imagine you should be, but where you are. Then seek someone who can offer balance to what actually exists in a meaningful, trusting and loving manner.

Before you say I DO

If you are ready to walk down the aisle. Have you asked yourself some very important questions about your partner? The following areas are vital if you want to have lasting relationship.

• Do you have common life goals?
• Do you make each other laugh?
• Are you financial matches? Are your attitudes towards money in sync?
• Do you understand how to be intimate with each other?
• Can you effectively communicate during conflict?
• Do you feel supported (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually)?
• Do you have a common religious or spiritual foundation/network?
• How do you want to raise children? Will you be balanced in the time and energy spent
• What do you value? (material needs, comfort, or personal growth)

These are just a few of the things you should consider before saying I DO. It is great to be in love, but that will only take you so far. If you plan on spending a lifetime with someone, then take it seriously and have a real talk. One based on honesty, mutual respect, love, and the willingness to be great friends if you find some deal breakers.

Now to the Bedroom- the Benefits- Part 2

The Benefits are amazing. When singers sing about lovers living longer, they never lied.

According to the Journal of American Medical Association there are several benefits to consistent sexual activity.

1. It relieves stress.
2. Having sex once or twice a week lowers your blood pressure and creates higher levels of an antibody called Immunoglobin A (prevents colds and other infections)
3. Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more (That totals 3, 570 calories in 42 sessions)
4. Improves your cardiovascular health and boosts self esteem
5. Achieving orgasms increase levels of oxytocin (love hormone) and helps build bond and trust
6. Sex reduces pain
7. Increases endorphins that alleviate headaches, arthritis pain, and PMS symptoms
8. Frequent ejaculations or sexual activity can reduce one's risk for prostrate cancer
9. Helps you sleep better and maintain a healthy weight

Sex also strengthens Pelvic floor muscles in women. If you perform Kegels during sex and leisure it will increase pleasure and decrease possible incontinence later in life. Kegels can be performed by imitating the squeezing that occurs when you are trying very hard not to urinate. If you do this several times a day it can strengthen those muscles. When you are really strong, you can squeeze and lengthen the time needed for your partner to ejaculate. A gentle squeeze right when ejaculation is about to occur will cause you both to experience heightened orgasmic sensations.