The Queen of Soul Lives On

Yesterday, we lost one of the greatest voices to ever sing. Aretha Franklin could not only sing across all genres, she could also play the piano, and most of all she was a soul speaker, one who was there in your darkest hour and your highest triumph. And I must admit, I feel as my childhood continues to slip away into the death that awaits all of us. But, this is not a sad tribute, this is a celebration because one of daughter's favorite singers is the Queen herself, which means she lives on.

Some of the first songs, I started humming in my grandmother's house was Chain of Fools, Respect and Precious Lord/Old Landmark from the live recording at her father's church in the heart of Detroit. Whenever I had my heart broken or my spirit crushed, I would turn to her records to soothe me back to my joy. Her voice rocked me to power and she would return the swagger to my step. She wore whatever she wanted and when she dropped that fur coat at the White House concert honoring Carole King, it is because she always had negative fucks to give. And Amen to all of that!

She was the light to all the invisible Black girls everywhere. She gave us power and relevance. She also inspired an entire generation and style of music, once she switched to Atlantic Records (because Columbia had no idea what to do with all of that). And then her voice became the life blood of soul music. Its steady heartbeat. And no matter if she originated the song or it was a cover, it always became an ORIGINAL once her voice stamped it. Not many singers can say the same thing.

I will always love you Aretha. My heart is truly sad, but I am grateful that I got to see you live and that my Maya loves your music just as much as I do.  And I will play all of your music so that your spirit can continue to uplift mine. God has welcomed a true angel and I know that the choir is now elevated with a new soloist.

Vulnerability looks like

This week has a brought a new lesson in dating and being present with who you are. I am comprised of a lifetime of lessons, yet I am open to the new ones that have not even hearkened my path. Many of us that are single attempt to protect are vulnerabilities and weaknesses from the outside world. That may work for a moment, but if you are truly interested in dating and turning me into we, then you must open your heart and mind.

Now no one is saying that you can't have fun and that every person you sit down with is the one. But, I am saying that you must embrace the messiness that makes you, you. You must love the good and bad. And you must be okay with rejection and disappointment. Or else, you will climb back into that shell and be content.

We are constantly works in progress but every now and then I decide to throw myself back into the fray of mingling and dating and I am amazed and sometimes dismayed at the outcome of my experiences. But, they are mine to love and hate and forgive. Because at the end of it all I'm human first, woman next, parent, actress, writer, teacher, and everything else in between. I have a heart, spirit and soul.

And no matter the risk, I bounce back a bit quicker each time. And I find joy in the small moments. I find laughter and intimacy in the light and the dark. And most of all I display my vulnerable and find  beauty instead of shame. In other words I choose to live a lot more each day I am blessed to be on this earthly plane.

And to that, I will always say yes because I'm not promised tomorrow nor am I promised a happily ever after. But, I am promised lessons, joy, and laughter. And that is enough...for today...

Dating and Relationships in 2015

Dating takes a great deal of effort especially if you are completely allergic to being in public places to mingle with others. After work, family commitments, and life, many want to simply curl up at home with a nice movie or a book, and definitely a home cooked meal. Nothing in that scenario includes scheduling a date, flirting, or even smiling at a random stranger. For singles, a balance needs to be struck between life, responsibilities, and fun. And each of us must find our own source of fun. But before we venture into the world of dating and relationships we must check our own baggage in 2014. We must rediscover what makes us happy and move into 2015 with joy. Or else the past will always be a near distant future.

If you are an introvert or a newly minted one since going out may no longer be enjoyable, than you may be open to being set up by friends or reconnecting with someone from the past. Although, at times you are reminded why a certain person was in your rear view in the first place. Either way, take the time that you are single to work towards new goals that will bring you closer to emotional, financial. and spiritual nirvana. And be cautious of becoming a serial dater, it is never a bad idea to take some time between relationships. Reconnect with friends from your inner and outer circle and rebuild bonds. Make time for casual meals, movies, plays, museums, and walks in the park. The crisp winter air is a wonderful environment for small talk or silence. It is a great way to do some solo or group meditation. It is also a great practice to combine mental and physical well-being.

Remember dating and relationships are not just limited to intimacy and sex. It also includes rebuilding relationships with family and friends. Because no matter who you meet for your personal happily ever after, you will always need your friends to lean on. And those relationships must be nourished as much as possible.

Each life travels its own path. At times paths cross and mingle and even move apart. But our sights should be set on the journey and not simply the destination. Because who knows where you will end up if your heart and mind stay open.

Finding your way back to you

There are relationships that will leave you completely broken. You know the ones where you gave your heart and soul or the promises that you heard were not quite kept in earnest. The ones where you either fell out of love with each other or you were left carrying your heart. After a major break up, divorce, or separation, you have to eventually find your way back to you.

At first you feel devastated. You want to cry, yell, scream, kick things and snot cry again. You feel as if you are a complete failure and there is guilt because it simply did not work when you literally gave it your all. You are tempted to be strong and not grieve. Wrong!!! Each time you cry and scream, you are one step closer to finding yourself again. You may not want to love every again. But tears do not make you weak and always being strong is completely overrated!

But the first task at hand is finding enough love for you again. You can only find this through forgiveness. You must get rid of the guilt. It is okay to be single and it is okay to return back to your original goals and dreams. When you are in this situation, you are usually rebuilding your spirit, soul, energy, and sanity all at the same time. Because when you look around you can see the pieces of you, broken like a smashed mirror. And there will be days that it feels as if you will never find the glue to pull yourself back together again.

I am here to tell you that it is possible. You will slowly get back to who you are. You will even discover a new you in the broken pieces. And then you will walk to a new path forged out of the pain and newness of self-discovery.

So if this is you, scream and cry and kick until the snot simply won't stop. Love yourself each and every day. Love your brokenness and your wholeness. Love all of your decisions including the ones that led you to this place of hurt. Love your friends and find love in the simple things. Love the air that you breathe and the warm water that flows over you during each shower or bath. And soon you will begin to find passion and joy once again. And your heart and soul will heal.

And that is how you will find your way back to you.

Finding yourself first

Each time that I see couples that have been together for longer than 15 years and are still smiling and able to express intimacy and kindness, I am always curious about the natural ebb and flow that effortlessly exudes from their spirit. The first thing that I notice is their individuality that usually includes having a shared interests or shared respect for what the other brings to the table. And when I ask them what their secret is, the answers are always simple and the same no matter the gender or race.

Communication, unwavering support, not seeking perfection, and the willingness to change. And most importantly, each of them stress how important it is to know yourself first. Let me repeat that again because I have discovered that this is an Achilles heel for many us. The ability to look closely in the mirror at our reflection and understand each of our strengths, weaknesses, and flaws. It is the ability as I have been told by these successful couplings the ability to say "I love you" to the reflection before you embark on a love affair with another.

Not seeking perfection is another. Many of us during our 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s seek perfection in a partner. At times we expect that their perfection will somehow mask and uplift our own imperfection and that is simply not realistic. Now I am not saying anyone should be interested in a project but one should seek an equal partner to grow with.

Unwavering support must exist. There is nothing worst than a partner who ridicules or attempts to stop your dreams and aspirations. A happy partner is always one who not only loves self but loves what they have chosen to do. And the freedom of spirit to know that if you change your mind you will not be left alone or made to feel as if it is a terrible idea. We expect our friends to support us and we should not expect anything less from our mate.

Communication is something that always get better with age, understanding, and insight. It is connected to understanding one's self and all of the baggage that each of us have collected over the years. Relationships and the idea of one should not be taken lightly. If second thoughts or something triggers a negative response then it should be examined before making a serious commitment. If communication is hurtful, damaging, or simply nonexistent it is a signal to move on to unless both parties are willing to work towards improvement with honest admissions.

Lastly, if a hurdle or obstacle is not handled well as an individual, it will be no different when they are shared with another. And that brings me to one's willingness to change. Yes, change. Change is never comfortable and I will not write some sappy line about changing for those you love and care about. What I will say is that change is inevitable if one is growing and maturing into a better understanding. In fact change is connected to emotional maturity and understanding. Each couple can honestly say that they are different from when they met 20 years ago. And they are able to stay together because of something bigger than vows, children, and obligation. Now the magic is very individual but I have found that all of these ingredients can be found in the yummy cake batter that makes relationships stick.

So make sure you find yourself first and love yourself and then watch the magic unfold for you too.

We must value "me" before becoming "we"

There have been many new marriages and relationships sparking and developing around me. In the joy and excitement of newness, there is also concern for what the future holds. Many couples that have been together for 10 or more years will advise you that taking it day by day is the best way. Some will advise you to plan for the future as you are taking it day by day. And even more will insist that you do all the above and make sure that you are taking care of "me" as you continue to work towards being a better "we".

This last advice works for new and old couples, but it is vital for those of us that are single because without a happy "me" there can be no healthy "we". Relationships take work, but as you are embarking on them your personal stuff has the tendency to surface. The stuff that make us who we are. The stuff that has been protecting us from harm for many years. That stuff that we have learned to live with.  The stuff that at times blocks our blessings because it is besieged with fear and anger. Books will advise you to check it at the door and walk towards relationship bliss. The problem is some of that stuff feels very good and like a warm blanket on a cold day, we do not want to part with it.

So what does "me" do?

"Me" looks at the stuff and when I interact with someone I care about and some of the stuff makes me anxious, I forgive my stuff and "me" and start creating new stuff that works with "we".

This means that we are human. This means I love "me" enough to not be afraid of what I see when I am "we". This means that I can also understand my partner's stuff and not take it personally. It means I can at times begin to drop my stuff gradually until new and better stuff wraps around me so that "me" can become a healthier and happier "we".

Do no be afraid of commitment, relationships, and marriage. You will always have stuff. Just know that as you grow in trust, love, understanding , and courage, your stuff will begin to evolve and change too. But, on the other hand, if your stuff is telling you to run for the hills please listen. This advice is not an invitation to invite crazy into your life. Stuff can protect you from crazy but it can also make you run right for it if your are not careful.

At the end of the day, you will eventually find a "we" where your stuff can evolve in peace. And where "me" and "we" can co-exist with out insanity.

Loving Me First

I have been pondering a new revelation. I am no good to those I love and care about when I stop loving me first. It seems so selfish to love yourself before anyone else, but it is necessary. I find that my temper is short, my willingness to meet up is low, and my patience is nonexistent. I have spent half a lifetime worrying and being there for others. It is now time to take my own advice and be there for me. I will make be a much better mommy, friend, daughter, cousin, niece, and partner.

This is not a mini vacation from life. This will become my new life's mantra. Remembering what it feels like to feel love all over is my new quest. I want to be okay if I don't pick up the phone or respond to a thousand emails. It is okay to say no. That will be a challenge, but I am up for it. Saying no leaves more space for me to say yes to Tamara. Yes, Tamara you can sleep in. Yes, Tamara you do not have to run all over the city for everyone else. Yes, Tamara you can read a ton of books and not answer the phone for 24 hours. And yes, if you are loved by those who always say they do, they will understand those gentle no's mean them no harm or less love.

This is my decade to embrace a new philosophy. One, I am always sharing with my quirky and enlightening FB posts. This time I am taking my own advice and making sure that I love me first. I am like an ocean, I have boundless emotions and dreams. Many of them have begun to manifest and many more are taking shape. All will be in vain if my love tank is empty and filled with bitterness. So I am preparing myself by filling up on love, hope, joy, and peace. This can only be accomplished in the silence of solitude and meditation. I am ready to embrace and love me so that I can in turn love others more and enjoy the bounty of my new season.

A Wedding

I attended a wedding today. I have been to many wedding before but none like this. The family of the groom and the bride were gently intermingled as if everyone was a friend to each other. Despite the fact that I knew no one except for the bride and groom I immediately felt very welcome. The pastor told the story of Adam and Eve. There was the mention of how a single rib was removed in order to create woman, but then he took it one step further. He spoke of how that missing rib makes man vulnerable. It is that vulnerability that should be exposed and open to woman. He can draw closer to her for strength. She in turn can also find comfort, strength, and safety in him. Wow! We definitely miss that interpretation when it is read. Both can find love and peace at the feet of Jesus. Always. This is intimacy in its purest form, which is why they were naked and unashamed (in the Garden).

While they were speaking their vows, I noticed a couple in front of me. They were older with an empty seat between them and they were holding hands. Not just holding but caressing hands. They were at the age where most stop holding hands and making gently connections. But, this appeared to be an effortless practice. The simplicity of the act added to the love already present in the room.

Each of the brothers of the groom spoke kind and generous words with a sensitivity that moved them and the guests to tears. Genuine joy in the face of their brother's new union. Then I sat with strangers. Three couples. We had an amazing conversation that spanned education, social work, school, vacations, and genuine interest in each other. I observed as each partner took care of the person next to them. Not for show, but because this is what they always do. I left a table of new found friends.

I have never attended a wedding and experienced this. And that speaks volumes in the lack of words I can find for that observation.Because I cannot understand why.

Love exists at the feet of God. It exists for those who are willing to drop their emotional junk and trust someone else. Trusting another with your heart is not easy, but everyone I met today has accomplished just that with ease and consistency. If you have not experienced this with your family, friends, or relationships, then it is something to strive for. But at the wedding God was definitely first. And it made all the difference in the world.

Love you

Happy Valentine's Day! A holiday filled with commercials about diamonds, flowers, candy, and big bears. Every media outlet wants this to be the most perfect day for couples all over. So what do you do if you are single, and happily so.

This is a great day to remember when you discovered that self love was the key to understanding and valuing your self worth. Remember if we don't have love for ourselves than all of our important relationships are based on need and desperation. In the end that can lead to chaos, self loathing, and bitterness.

So let Cupid shoot a arrow into your soul so that love can enter and build a home. Find peace in the love that exists for us all. And for those of us who desire to be in a loving and equitable relationship, this is a great exercise because when you love yourself it is much easier and nicer to share that love with others. It also gives you the power to not simply settle for mediocrity. So watch those commercials and loving couples walking down the street with a smile in your heart. And know that you are loved.

Now go buy some beautiful flowers, play your favorite tunes, and hang out with some friends and family. Happy Love Day!

When faith appears to be faltering

This month has been a difficult one. Not different but difficult. It has been filled with worry and joy, regret and hope, and more worry. I am usually able to get quiet and pray in order to bring calm to my stomach and nerves. But, today those feelings are re-surging. I consider myself a person of great faith. I get very angry when I am filled with doubt. It begins to make me feel guilty for not believing in God enough. How can you have faith and be worried? How can you have faith and be fearful? I have no answer. There is a part of me that is not even seeking any. They will come at there own time. I just want these feelings to wash over me and find a home some place else. I know from previous experience that they will. But for now I need a bit more quiet.

I need to re-discover the reality that I am not in control and that God's timing is always better than mine. So I am going to breathe in and out. I am going to hug my daughter. I am going to tell my close friends that they are amazing . I am going to relish in the fact that I heard some beautiful music and inspired poetry. I was blessed to be in a room of artists who had love and calm oozing from their pores. That should be enough. That will be enough. A small experience that will assist me in my quest.

The quest to believe again. And that is all.  Because that is enough.

Remembering

A friend is no longer with us. He had a very kind heart and beautiful voice to match. He introduced me to the open mic scene here in Philadelphia and provided a path for me to sing. We did not talk every day, but our monthly check ins were always filled with new projects and goals. His sudden loss has made me think about many things. It has made me re-consider the frailty of life and that none of us are guaranteed anything, I am deeply saddened by the things he will never do, but grateful that I witnessed a few of his dreams come true during the short time that I knew him.

Please hug someone today
Eat something delicious
Read something inspiring
Make one item from your bucket list a reality
Pray ,Pray, Pray
Meditate, Meditate, Meditate
and Breathe

Christmas Love

This is a time for love, compassion, and understanding. Many of us get so wrapped up in getting gifts and going broke that we forget what is important. Embrace your friends and loved ones. Tell those in your life how much you love them and reach out to those that you may be estranged from. Forgiveness if for all, and it helps us to be better people. It helps us to move past the hurt and not repeat it with unsuspecting others.

I am sitting here watching Hallmark films and Its a Wonderful Life. Remember when Clarence said, "George you really did have a wonderful life?" I heard those words today and realized it is the simple things that we should reflect on as 2012 comes to a close. We should remember those amazing intimate relationships that made us laugh (even if they did not last). We should remember family dinners when your  favorite Uncle got drunk and begin dancing to the Temptations and telling stories. We should remember our child's first Christmas. You know the one where they played with the box all morning instead of all of the toys you bought. We should remember our first Christmas that we spent with our spouse/wife/partner and rekindle the reasons why we are still together. 

Most of all you should remember the moments when you were filled with doubt and pain. Yes! Those times when you felt the most alone and vulnerable. Think on the songs, prayers, faith, and sayings that pulled you out of the darkness back into the light. These are the moments that define us and help us to paint a better future.

Dare to dream this holiday season that you deserve love in your life. That you deserve to be loved. And that you will recognize it when it comes across your path.

I look forward to sharing more stories that inspire, encourage, and edify.

Seeking Joy

I have been very busy of late. Through my hectic schedule and attempting to squeeze everything in I have noticed a lack of joy and an abundance of anger. Not in my life, but in the faces of strangers and friends. Many people are trying to figure out how to find and add joy to their lives. In the news the anger in gun violence and hate speech, is running over in every city and snatching victims like candy from a baby. I have come to realize that the absence of joy and the proliferation of pain and anger are inherently connected.

First, we have to stop looking for something that does not exist outside of us. Joy can only be found within. Real joy. Not manufactured or temporary joy. I am talking about the feeling that wakes up with you every morning and falls to sleep with you every night. It is connected to how we see each other, how we treat each other, and how we speak to each other. It is not prejudice or unkind. It is honest and true. It is our ability to live with our fears and claim them as our own, as opposed to fighting them every step of the away.

On the polar opposite is anger. Anger is when fear bubbles out of control. It is when we are most uncomfortable with our surroundings and with the people in it. So instead of hugs we lash out hoping that it will make us feel better. We lash out with hateful words. We lash out by striking another. We lash out by shooting at others and ending a life. We become the grim reapers of souls because we are in a desperate search for our own heart and soul.

I am writing this because we need each other. This is a blog dedicated to relationships. Well we need to nurture and develop healthy relationships with each other, but it is not possible until we build one with ourselves first. That only occurs when we are able to stop being so angry and afraid of living. If we treat every day as if it may be our last, we may become unafraid to allow joy to enter our heart and mind. No self help book required. Just quiet reflection and knowing that you deserve happiness instead of death and despair.

Happy Mother's Day to the Single Mommies

May 13 is Mother's Day. In celebration of those who have been holding it down with an S on your chest alone, this is for you. There are millions of commercials showing mothers with their families and significant others. The media always has some sob story about how children are suffering at the hands of single parents. And most television shows would have you believe that single mommies are desperate and lonely. This is the truth that exists among the stereotypes and sadness that other folks would have you believe. This simple advice is for all of us.

Sunday is a holiday for you and your children. It is a time for reflection and for fun. If you are planning a day on a budget, there are lots that you can do right in your home or around your neighborhood. Start off the morning with a simple breakfast for you and the familia. After breakfast, get dressed and head outdoors. If you are near a local park, that is the destination. If you know of a park you always wanted to visit, then head there. Before you leave pack some snacks, drinks, chips and sandwiches. Do not forget your favorite dessert that will not be shared. (Remember it is still your day) After everyone has fun on the swings, slides, and running in a circle break out the blanket for your picnic. Yummy! Then lay on your backs and watch the clouds go by.

Once you are back home plan a movie for all of the babies or teens while you head to the bathroom for some much needed alone time. You will need a scented candle, some incense, and smelling salts of your liking (Dollar General has an amazing selection). Run yourself a much deserved bath, light the candles and incense and close the door. You can even add some music and give yourself 30 to 45 minutes in your own world. The children will be okay thanks to a DVD or On Demand.

After the bath, order from your favorite take out place. There will be no cooking this evening. Enjoy dinner and put the children to sleep. They will be very tired from the full day.

Remember this day is for you. Yes, you are a single mommy and proud. You can still enjoy YOU even when YOU are single and exhausted. At the end of the day right before you go to sleep wrap your arms around yourself and give it a squeeze. Tell yourself that you are amazing, joyful, loving, and human. There are things you wish you could do better, and there are things you should be proud of. Let this Mother's Day be the fresh start you were looking for. You deserve it. you earned it.

Happy Mother's Day single Mommies! Sending love and joy to you.

The Divine exists in us all

There is a spiritual aspect to loving relationships. It is represented by the masculine and feminine divinities within us all. It can exist with ego because the recognition of them both requires each of us to surrender to them both. Many of us are looking for superficial balance. This goes deeper and resembles s form of worship that can leave you joyful.

When we are able to recognize the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine within, then we are more open to meeting and honoring the Divine in others. It creates a love that completes you. One that supports and holds you up, and encourages you to reach your highest potential. We have observed it in couples that simply seem to vibrate with each other. Have you ever wondered what that was? And how you could manifest that in your life? It requires no trickery, manipulation, game-playing, or self-help relationship book. It simply requires you to honor love as the spiritual and divine entity that it actually is.

Love is not selfish. Love does not feel bad. Imagine the vulnerability that lies at the center of a woman or man when the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine come together. In order for you to discover it you must dedicate yourself to truly loving yourself beyond the superficial. Beyond society’s rules and parameters. Beyond your limited scope. Intimacy that connects two individuals and leads to a connected physical and spiritual experience.

Stop making excuses for mediocre relationships, and stop settling for half love. All of us, regardless of our past experiences deserve to be loved wholly and fully. Each of us should be told several times a day from our significant other how wonderful we are, and no more excuses about how that mushy stuff does not exist. We deserve to be uplifted and cherished.

Arjuna Ardagh speaks about it best. Check out his article! And then Check out The Divine Masculine. Read The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz.  

Authenticity - The Truth

If you are not being truly authentic with your partner, then you may want to question why. Suppressing your honest self can be detrimental and a function of fear. So fearlessly love yourself enough to know that your quirks are just as beautiful as your strengths. And you should not be the only person in the relationship who appreciates them.

The definition of authentic is being real, not copied, or genuine. The purpose in all of our relationships is to be able to express ourselves honestly. You also have to take responsibility for your own responses and perceptions. For example, you may have a brother who is very kind, but only allows outsiders in so far to his inner emotional circle. Every time he meets someone new, and they become friends, the friendship is based on an understanding that this is how he operates. If one of his friends decides that his behavior makes them uncomfortable, then they can choose to walk away or remain and change their understanding. This is always true when we develop relationships with family, friends, peers, and intimate ones.  

The responsibility comes with the choices we make. Relating to others is not easy. It can sometimes be complex and beautiful simultaneously. We all choose how we will be or not be with another person. The choices we make on purpose are more important than our flaws and quirks. You meet a fellow artist at a party. You quickly become fast friends and realize that you have much in common. A month later the facades are removed, and you both begin to reveal more of yourselves to each other. Soon something happens that either hurts your feelings, or makes you question the value of the friendship. If you decide to continue being a friend to the person, then you should continue on that path without resentment with a clear understanding that you are responsible for your half of the relationship, and unable to change the other person.

This is a call for all of us to embrace who we truly are. Love ourselves through honest eyes, and never be afraid to dump our unnecessary baggage for a better you. Shit will not become Prada simply because you put some love and understanding on it. It’s still shit getting in the way of you realizing your greatest potential.

Tips to be authentic:

·         Listen and be observant

·         Be honest with yourself and others

·         Try your best

·         Do not make decisions based on fear

·         Recognize the difference between nonconstructive criticisms and insults

How Love can transform you...

Love is not malicious or manipulative. It gives one the courage to be honest, and it does not attempt to take advantage of someone.  All of our relationships create the canvas of any given society or community.  The small everyday relationships are microcosms of the whole. When we turn on the news and the top headlines are full of death, violence, and abuse then that demonstrates a failure in our ability to love one another. I realize that the American term love is overused and sometimes oversimplified because we only have one word to mean multiple things. It describes the emotion between a mother and a child, two lovers, a tasty dessert, an amazing play, a heartfelt poem, or a passionate song. We can use the word love to describe our feelings for all the above.

                

This entry addresses the love that Desmond Tutu utilized to transform the effects of apartheid on South Africa.  “We may be surprised at the people we find in heaven. God has a soft spot for sinners. His standards are quite low” (Tutu).  This takes me to the next point about forgiveness. Many of us are walking around with such heavy burdens from past hurt and disappointment that we refuse to love or simply find ourselves unable to.  All of us try our best including those who have wronged us. We owe it to ourselves to acknowledge the pain, forgive ourselves and our oppressors, and attempt to move on by sharing love one day at a time. War and revenge provide nothing but more pain, and devastation. It is easy to love when things are going swell, but the challenge is to find love when things are difficult and mired in fear. That is when true healing can begin, and we can begin to live more fully and openly.

               

“Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is on earth” (Don Miguel Ruiz).

Happy Valentines Day to all the Singles

This is for the singles on this beautiful Valentine’s Day. I thought it would be remiss of me to not post something on the relationship holiday of the year. SO here it goes. On this beautiful day remember that love is not simply the definition of what can occur between two individuals. It is also an exclamation of what must happen within you throughout our journey of life. We must love ourselves first.  I know that we hear it all the time, and many of us that are single would love to wrap up in the arms of another and gaze into their eyes while eating chocolate covered strawberries. Well grab a mirror and those strawberries ladies and gents. You can gaze upon your own beauty and handsomeness and eat away. In fact, you can eat all you like and share with the company of one. No arguing over who should get the last bite or sip of champagne because it is all yours to have. Yummy!

For the single ladies, treat yourself to a spa day. A nice massage, a pedicure, and an invigorating facial. Grab a few of your friends and have a Valentine’s Day out. Bring flowers for your friends and celebrate the love and beauty sitting around the table. Celebrate being happy, and finally knowing what that feels like. Celebrate the fact that you finally feel good about your flaws and imperfections.

For those who are single with children, eat candy and give cards to each other. Make some red velvet waffles with berries and whip cream (Just saw it on Rachel Ray). Tell your children that you love them and Happy Valentine’s Day. Show them through hugs, sweets, and kisses. This way they will grow up not embarrassed by love, and able to open themselves up to love as adults (in a healthy fashion, without regrets).

For the single guys, continue to develop your mind, heart, and spirit by surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones. Embrace the fact that it is ok to go to the movies alone, and take a vacation of one. Listen to some tune on Spotify and dance in the middle of the living room. If you are seeking someone special, they will love you even more once you start loving yourself first.

For those that are single, but have someone they call their “Special Friend.” Give them a call. Invite them to a home cooked meal, and watch reruns of Justified or Action Week on AMC. (Nothing like Hard to Kill and Die Hard to make everything feel better) Just remember to have fun.

That’s right have fun. Do not define your day by what folks share or do not share on Face Book. Do not define your day by the overexposure of commercials for dating sites, and expensive jewelry. Define your day by what makes your heart sing. Define your day by what makes you joyous. It can be as simple as a book, a conversation, hot sex, hugging, drinking, or hanging with friends.

Whatever it is have a Happy Valentine’s Day, and please remember love like there is no tomorrow. Give people flowers while they are alive. Tell someone you love them at least once. Break bread with someone you have not seen in awhile before it is too late. Live life with no regrets. I may be single, but I am happy in my own skin, and I would rather see the glass half full then half empty. The love I feel every day from my friends, family, and adopted family makes me smile constantly. And smiling is contagious. So pass it on. Smooches and Hugs from me to you. Love is 365 days of the year and never limited to February 14th.

Last words for 2011 - ENJOY!

I am watching “He’s Not that Into You” and thinking about "Love Jones", and "Love and Basketball". It occurred to me why I started this relationship blog in the first place. I wanted to create a place to discuss, debate, and marinate about the pros and cons of relationships and all that comes with them. And I don't want to think like a man, I want to embrace my womanhood and the self-love that I have worked so hard to gain. There is many who believe that all men cheat (and some women). There are many that believe that Disney sold them an unrealistic bill of goods. There are those that still believe that happiness is simply impossible and you should settle for anything rather than be alone. And then there are those that think that marriage is stupid, commitments are not kept, and sex can ruin a relationship. In 2012, I want everyone who reads my blog to share their experiences including the bitterness, the joy, the pain, the good stuff, and the annoyances. I wish for every man and woman who reads these words to experience love in his or her own way. Let me repeat that. In your own way! Not according to some book you read, or what you saw last week on a talk show, not what your friends have, but what works for you. Embrace it and never give it up because naysayers tell you it should look different. Embrace it because it feels good. Take it slow and easy. Make sure you leap in with your eyes and heart wide open. That way you can see the truth and the lies all at once. Then figure out what you want and what you want it to look like.

I know I said forget about the rules and advice but I could not resist sharing some tidbits that I have found helpful, and have worked for men and women alike:

• Men and women who want to chat over the age of 30 will email and text. Those who want to get to know you will talk to you in person and on the phone. They will be capable of a real conversation
  

• Rushing into something with all your hormones full throttle is great for sex but not the best for a relationship. Get to know each other (and still have sex, LOL)

• Be realistic. If you find yourself figuring out ways that you can change to make them happier, STOP! And review if you should be there in the first place

• If someone is always making excuses about why you can’t hang out, please run in the other direction and take the hint. They may not be interested and busy.

• Start all conversations with a smile. Happiness begets happiness.

• Take a good look at where you are and make sure that your expectations match. Do not expect what you are not willing to give. Stop searching for somebody to make things easier for you
  

• You should be able to be yourself as you settle into a relationship. If you are walking on egg shells then inquire why because that is simply not cool.

• Be very clear about what you want. Do not say what is PC and then change your mind. It can be confusing and feelings can get hurt (on either side).
• Trust your instincts. If you feel unloved and you know that you checked your previous baggage at the door, then choose you and never be afraid to be HAPPY! (or at least pleasantly content)
  

9. HAVE FUN! 2012 will only happen once. Enjoy yourself. Be safe. Be courageous. Be honest. And most of all BE loved.