Finding yourself first

Each time that I see couples that have been together for longer than 15 years and are still smiling and able to express intimacy and kindness, I am always curious about the natural ebb and flow that effortlessly exudes from their spirit. The first thing that I notice is their individuality that usually includes having a shared interests or shared respect for what the other brings to the table. And when I ask them what their secret is, the answers are always simple and the same no matter the gender or race.

Communication, unwavering support, not seeking perfection, and the willingness to change. And most importantly, each of them stress how important it is to know yourself first. Let me repeat that again because I have discovered that this is an Achilles heel for many us. The ability to look closely in the mirror at our reflection and understand each of our strengths, weaknesses, and flaws. It is the ability as I have been told by these successful couplings the ability to say "I love you" to the reflection before you embark on a love affair with another.

Not seeking perfection is another. Many of us during our 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s seek perfection in a partner. At times we expect that their perfection will somehow mask and uplift our own imperfection and that is simply not realistic. Now I am not saying anyone should be interested in a project but one should seek an equal partner to grow with.

Unwavering support must exist. There is nothing worst than a partner who ridicules or attempts to stop your dreams and aspirations. A happy partner is always one who not only loves self but loves what they have chosen to do. And the freedom of spirit to know that if you change your mind you will not be left alone or made to feel as if it is a terrible idea. We expect our friends to support us and we should not expect anything less from our mate.

Communication is something that always get better with age, understanding, and insight. It is connected to understanding one's self and all of the baggage that each of us have collected over the years. Relationships and the idea of one should not be taken lightly. If second thoughts or something triggers a negative response then it should be examined before making a serious commitment. If communication is hurtful, damaging, or simply nonexistent it is a signal to move on to unless both parties are willing to work towards improvement with honest admissions.

Lastly, if a hurdle or obstacle is not handled well as an individual, it will be no different when they are shared with another. And that brings me to one's willingness to change. Yes, change. Change is never comfortable and I will not write some sappy line about changing for those you love and care about. What I will say is that change is inevitable if one is growing and maturing into a better understanding. In fact change is connected to emotional maturity and understanding. Each couple can honestly say that they are different from when they met 20 years ago. And they are able to stay together because of something bigger than vows, children, and obligation. Now the magic is very individual but I have found that all of these ingredients can be found in the yummy cake batter that makes relationships stick.

So make sure you find yourself first and love yourself and then watch the magic unfold for you too.

We must value "me" before becoming "we"

There have been many new marriages and relationships sparking and developing around me. In the joy and excitement of newness, there is also concern for what the future holds. Many couples that have been together for 10 or more years will advise you that taking it day by day is the best way. Some will advise you to plan for the future as you are taking it day by day. And even more will insist that you do all the above and make sure that you are taking care of "me" as you continue to work towards being a better "we".

This last advice works for new and old couples, but it is vital for those of us that are single because without a happy "me" there can be no healthy "we". Relationships take work, but as you are embarking on them your personal stuff has the tendency to surface. The stuff that make us who we are. The stuff that has been protecting us from harm for many years. That stuff that we have learned to live with.  The stuff that at times blocks our blessings because it is besieged with fear and anger. Books will advise you to check it at the door and walk towards relationship bliss. The problem is some of that stuff feels very good and like a warm blanket on a cold day, we do not want to part with it.

So what does "me" do?

"Me" looks at the stuff and when I interact with someone I care about and some of the stuff makes me anxious, I forgive my stuff and "me" and start creating new stuff that works with "we".

This means that we are human. This means I love "me" enough to not be afraid of what I see when I am "we". This means that I can also understand my partner's stuff and not take it personally. It means I can at times begin to drop my stuff gradually until new and better stuff wraps around me so that "me" can become a healthier and happier "we".

Do no be afraid of commitment, relationships, and marriage. You will always have stuff. Just know that as you grow in trust, love, understanding , and courage, your stuff will begin to evolve and change too. But, on the other hand, if your stuff is telling you to run for the hills please listen. This advice is not an invitation to invite crazy into your life. Stuff can protect you from crazy but it can also make you run right for it if your are not careful.

At the end of the day, you will eventually find a "we" where your stuff can evolve in peace. And where "me" and "we" can co-exist with out insanity.

Loving Me First

I have been pondering a new revelation. I am no good to those I love and care about when I stop loving me first. It seems so selfish to love yourself before anyone else, but it is necessary. I find that my temper is short, my willingness to meet up is low, and my patience is nonexistent. I have spent half a lifetime worrying and being there for others. It is now time to take my own advice and be there for me. I will make be a much better mommy, friend, daughter, cousin, niece, and partner.

This is not a mini vacation from life. This will become my new life's mantra. Remembering what it feels like to feel love all over is my new quest. I want to be okay if I don't pick up the phone or respond to a thousand emails. It is okay to say no. That will be a challenge, but I am up for it. Saying no leaves more space for me to say yes to Tamara. Yes, Tamara you can sleep in. Yes, Tamara you do not have to run all over the city for everyone else. Yes, Tamara you can read a ton of books and not answer the phone for 24 hours. And yes, if you are loved by those who always say they do, they will understand those gentle no's mean them no harm or less love.

This is my decade to embrace a new philosophy. One, I am always sharing with my quirky and enlightening FB posts. This time I am taking my own advice and making sure that I love me first. I am like an ocean, I have boundless emotions and dreams. Many of them have begun to manifest and many more are taking shape. All will be in vain if my love tank is empty and filled with bitterness. So I am preparing myself by filling up on love, hope, joy, and peace. This can only be accomplished in the silence of solitude and meditation. I am ready to embrace and love me so that I can in turn love others more and enjoy the bounty of my new season.

A Wedding

I attended a wedding today. I have been to many wedding before but none like this. The family of the groom and the bride were gently intermingled as if everyone was a friend to each other. Despite the fact that I knew no one except for the bride and groom I immediately felt very welcome. The pastor told the story of Adam and Eve. There was the mention of how a single rib was removed in order to create woman, but then he took it one step further. He spoke of how that missing rib makes man vulnerable. It is that vulnerability that should be exposed and open to woman. He can draw closer to her for strength. She in turn can also find comfort, strength, and safety in him. Wow! We definitely miss that interpretation when it is read. Both can find love and peace at the feet of Jesus. Always. This is intimacy in its purest form, which is why they were naked and unashamed (in the Garden).

While they were speaking their vows, I noticed a couple in front of me. They were older with an empty seat between them and they were holding hands. Not just holding but caressing hands. They were at the age where most stop holding hands and making gently connections. But, this appeared to be an effortless practice. The simplicity of the act added to the love already present in the room.

Each of the brothers of the groom spoke kind and generous words with a sensitivity that moved them and the guests to tears. Genuine joy in the face of their brother's new union. Then I sat with strangers. Three couples. We had an amazing conversation that spanned education, social work, school, vacations, and genuine interest in each other. I observed as each partner took care of the person next to them. Not for show, but because this is what they always do. I left a table of new found friends.

I have never attended a wedding and experienced this. And that speaks volumes in the lack of words I can find for that observation.Because I cannot understand why.

Love exists at the feet of God. It exists for those who are willing to drop their emotional junk and trust someone else. Trusting another with your heart is not easy, but everyone I met today has accomplished just that with ease and consistency. If you have not experienced this with your family, friends, or relationships, then it is something to strive for. But at the wedding God was definitely first. And it made all the difference in the world.

Love you

Happy Valentine's Day! A holiday filled with commercials about diamonds, flowers, candy, and big bears. Every media outlet wants this to be the most perfect day for couples all over. So what do you do if you are single, and happily so.

This is a great day to remember when you discovered that self love was the key to understanding and valuing your self worth. Remember if we don't have love for ourselves than all of our important relationships are based on need and desperation. In the end that can lead to chaos, self loathing, and bitterness.

So let Cupid shoot a arrow into your soul so that love can enter and build a home. Find peace in the love that exists for us all. And for those of us who desire to be in a loving and equitable relationship, this is a great exercise because when you love yourself it is much easier and nicer to share that love with others. It also gives you the power to not simply settle for mediocrity. So watch those commercials and loving couples walking down the street with a smile in your heart. And know that you are loved.

Now go buy some beautiful flowers, play your favorite tunes, and hang out with some friends and family. Happy Love Day!

When faith appears to be faltering

This month has been a difficult one. Not different but difficult. It has been filled with worry and joy, regret and hope, and more worry. I am usually able to get quiet and pray in order to bring calm to my stomach and nerves. But, today those feelings are re-surging. I consider myself a person of great faith. I get very angry when I am filled with doubt. It begins to make me feel guilty for not believing in God enough. How can you have faith and be worried? How can you have faith and be fearful? I have no answer. There is a part of me that is not even seeking any. They will come at there own time. I just want these feelings to wash over me and find a home some place else. I know from previous experience that they will. But for now I need a bit more quiet.

I need to re-discover the reality that I am not in control and that God's timing is always better than mine. So I am going to breathe in and out. I am going to hug my daughter. I am going to tell my close friends that they are amazing . I am going to relish in the fact that I heard some beautiful music and inspired poetry. I was blessed to be in a room of artists who had love and calm oozing from their pores. That should be enough. That will be enough. A small experience that will assist me in my quest.

The quest to believe again. And that is all.  Because that is enough.

Remembering

A friend is no longer with us. He had a very kind heart and beautiful voice to match. He introduced me to the open mic scene here in Philadelphia and provided a path for me to sing. We did not talk every day, but our monthly check ins were always filled with new projects and goals. His sudden loss has made me think about many things. It has made me re-consider the frailty of life and that none of us are guaranteed anything, I am deeply saddened by the things he will never do, but grateful that I witnessed a few of his dreams come true during the short time that I knew him.

Please hug someone today
Eat something delicious
Read something inspiring
Make one item from your bucket list a reality
Pray ,Pray, Pray
Meditate, Meditate, Meditate
and Breathe