Loving Me First

I have been pondering a new revelation. I am no good to those I love and care about when I stop loving me first. It seems so selfish to love yourself before anyone else, but it is necessary. I find that my temper is short, my willingness to meet up is low, and my patience is nonexistent. I have spent half a lifetime worrying and being there for others. It is now time to take my own advice and be there for me. I will make be a much better mommy, friend, daughter, cousin, niece, and partner.

This is not a mini vacation from life. This will become my new life's mantra. Remembering what it feels like to feel love all over is my new quest. I want to be okay if I don't pick up the phone or respond to a thousand emails. It is okay to say no. That will be a challenge, but I am up for it. Saying no leaves more space for me to say yes to Tamara. Yes, Tamara you can sleep in. Yes, Tamara you do not have to run all over the city for everyone else. Yes, Tamara you can read a ton of books and not answer the phone for 24 hours. And yes, if you are loved by those who always say they do, they will understand those gentle no's mean them no harm or less love.

This is my decade to embrace a new philosophy. One, I am always sharing with my quirky and enlightening FB posts. This time I am taking my own advice and making sure that I love me first. I am like an ocean, I have boundless emotions and dreams. Many of them have begun to manifest and many more are taking shape. All will be in vain if my love tank is empty and filled with bitterness. So I am preparing myself by filling up on love, hope, joy, and peace. This can only be accomplished in the silence of solitude and meditation. I am ready to embrace and love me so that I can in turn love others more and enjoy the bounty of my new season.

A Wedding

I attended a wedding today. I have been to many wedding before but none like this. The family of the groom and the bride were gently intermingled as if everyone was a friend to each other. Despite the fact that I knew no one except for the bride and groom I immediately felt very welcome. The pastor told the story of Adam and Eve. There was the mention of how a single rib was removed in order to create woman, but then he took it one step further. He spoke of how that missing rib makes man vulnerable. It is that vulnerability that should be exposed and open to woman. He can draw closer to her for strength. She in turn can also find comfort, strength, and safety in him. Wow! We definitely miss that interpretation when it is read. Both can find love and peace at the feet of Jesus. Always. This is intimacy in its purest form, which is why they were naked and unashamed (in the Garden).

While they were speaking their vows, I noticed a couple in front of me. They were older with an empty seat between them and they were holding hands. Not just holding but caressing hands. They were at the age where most stop holding hands and making gently connections. But, this appeared to be an effortless practice. The simplicity of the act added to the love already present in the room.

Each of the brothers of the groom spoke kind and generous words with a sensitivity that moved them and the guests to tears. Genuine joy in the face of their brother's new union. Then I sat with strangers. Three couples. We had an amazing conversation that spanned education, social work, school, vacations, and genuine interest in each other. I observed as each partner took care of the person next to them. Not for show, but because this is what they always do. I left a table of new found friends.

I have never attended a wedding and experienced this. And that speaks volumes in the lack of words I can find for that observation.Because I cannot understand why.

Love exists at the feet of God. It exists for those who are willing to drop their emotional junk and trust someone else. Trusting another with your heart is not easy, but everyone I met today has accomplished just that with ease and consistency. If you have not experienced this with your family, friends, or relationships, then it is something to strive for. But at the wedding God was definitely first. And it made all the difference in the world.

Love you

Happy Valentine's Day! A holiday filled with commercials about diamonds, flowers, candy, and big bears. Every media outlet wants this to be the most perfect day for couples all over. So what do you do if you are single, and happily so.

This is a great day to remember when you discovered that self love was the key to understanding and valuing your self worth. Remember if we don't have love for ourselves than all of our important relationships are based on need and desperation. In the end that can lead to chaos, self loathing, and bitterness.

So let Cupid shoot a arrow into your soul so that love can enter and build a home. Find peace in the love that exists for us all. And for those of us who desire to be in a loving and equitable relationship, this is a great exercise because when you love yourself it is much easier and nicer to share that love with others. It also gives you the power to not simply settle for mediocrity. So watch those commercials and loving couples walking down the street with a smile in your heart. And know that you are loved.

Now go buy some beautiful flowers, play your favorite tunes, and hang out with some friends and family. Happy Love Day!

When faith appears to be faltering

This month has been a difficult one. Not different but difficult. It has been filled with worry and joy, regret and hope, and more worry. I am usually able to get quiet and pray in order to bring calm to my stomach and nerves. But, today those feelings are re-surging. I consider myself a person of great faith. I get very angry when I am filled with doubt. It begins to make me feel guilty for not believing in God enough. How can you have faith and be worried? How can you have faith and be fearful? I have no answer. There is a part of me that is not even seeking any. They will come at there own time. I just want these feelings to wash over me and find a home some place else. I know from previous experience that they will. But for now I need a bit more quiet.

I need to re-discover the reality that I am not in control and that God's timing is always better than mine. So I am going to breathe in and out. I am going to hug my daughter. I am going to tell my close friends that they are amazing . I am going to relish in the fact that I heard some beautiful music and inspired poetry. I was blessed to be in a room of artists who had love and calm oozing from their pores. That should be enough. That will be enough. A small experience that will assist me in my quest.

The quest to believe again. And that is all.  Because that is enough.

Remembering

A friend is no longer with us. He had a very kind heart and beautiful voice to match. He introduced me to the open mic scene here in Philadelphia and provided a path for me to sing. We did not talk every day, but our monthly check ins were always filled with new projects and goals. His sudden loss has made me think about many things. It has made me re-consider the frailty of life and that none of us are guaranteed anything, I am deeply saddened by the things he will never do, but grateful that I witnessed a few of his dreams come true during the short time that I knew him.

Please hug someone today
Eat something delicious
Read something inspiring
Make one item from your bucket list a reality
Pray ,Pray, Pray
Meditate, Meditate, Meditate
and Breathe

Christmas Love

This is a time for love, compassion, and understanding. Many of us get so wrapped up in getting gifts and going broke that we forget what is important. Embrace your friends and loved ones. Tell those in your life how much you love them and reach out to those that you may be estranged from. Forgiveness if for all, and it helps us to be better people. It helps us to move past the hurt and not repeat it with unsuspecting others.

I am sitting here watching Hallmark films and Its a Wonderful Life. Remember when Clarence said, "George you really did have a wonderful life?" I heard those words today and realized it is the simple things that we should reflect on as 2012 comes to a close. We should remember those amazing intimate relationships that made us laugh (even if they did not last). We should remember family dinners when your  favorite Uncle got drunk and begin dancing to the Temptations and telling stories. We should remember our child's first Christmas. You know the one where they played with the box all morning instead of all of the toys you bought. We should remember our first Christmas that we spent with our spouse/wife/partner and rekindle the reasons why we are still together. 

Most of all you should remember the moments when you were filled with doubt and pain. Yes! Those times when you felt the most alone and vulnerable. Think on the songs, prayers, faith, and sayings that pulled you out of the darkness back into the light. These are the moments that define us and help us to paint a better future.

Dare to dream this holiday season that you deserve love in your life. That you deserve to be loved. And that you will recognize it when it comes across your path.

I look forward to sharing more stories that inspire, encourage, and edify.

Seeking Joy

I have been very busy of late. Through my hectic schedule and attempting to squeeze everything in I have noticed a lack of joy and an abundance of anger. Not in my life, but in the faces of strangers and friends. Many people are trying to figure out how to find and add joy to their lives. In the news the anger in gun violence and hate speech, is running over in every city and snatching victims like candy from a baby. I have come to realize that the absence of joy and the proliferation of pain and anger are inherently connected.

First, we have to stop looking for something that does not exist outside of us. Joy can only be found within. Real joy. Not manufactured or temporary joy. I am talking about the feeling that wakes up with you every morning and falls to sleep with you every night. It is connected to how we see each other, how we treat each other, and how we speak to each other. It is not prejudice or unkind. It is honest and true. It is our ability to live with our fears and claim them as our own, as opposed to fighting them every step of the away.

On the polar opposite is anger. Anger is when fear bubbles out of control. It is when we are most uncomfortable with our surroundings and with the people in it. So instead of hugs we lash out hoping that it will make us feel better. We lash out with hateful words. We lash out by striking another. We lash out by shooting at others and ending a life. We become the grim reapers of souls because we are in a desperate search for our own heart and soul.

I am writing this because we need each other. This is a blog dedicated to relationships. Well we need to nurture and develop healthy relationships with each other, but it is not possible until we build one with ourselves first. That only occurs when we are able to stop being so angry and afraid of living. If we treat every day as if it may be our last, we may become unafraid to allow joy to enter our heart and mind. No self help book required. Just quiet reflection and knowing that you deserve happiness instead of death and despair.