Each time that I see couples that have been together for longer than 15 years and are still smiling and able to express intimacy and kindness, I am always curious about the natural ebb and flow that effortlessly exudes from their spirit. The first thing that I notice is their individuality that usually includes having a shared interests or shared respect for what the other brings to the table. And when I ask them what their secret is, the answers are always simple and the same no matter the gender or race.
Communication, unwavering support, not seeking perfection, and the willingness to change. And most importantly, each of them stress how important it is to know yourself first. Let me repeat that again because I have discovered that this is an Achilles heel for many us. The ability to look closely in the mirror at our reflection and understand each of our strengths, weaknesses, and flaws. It is the ability as I have been told by these successful couplings the ability to say "I love you" to the reflection before you embark on a love affair with another.
Not seeking perfection is another. Many of us during our 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s seek perfection in a partner. At times we expect that their perfection will somehow mask and uplift our own imperfection and that is simply not realistic. Now I am not saying anyone should be interested in a project but one should seek an equal partner to grow with.
Unwavering support must exist. There is nothing worst than a partner who ridicules or attempts to stop your dreams and aspirations. A happy partner is always one who not only loves self but loves what they have chosen to do. And the freedom of spirit to know that if you change your mind you will not be left alone or made to feel as if it is a terrible idea. We expect our friends to support us and we should not expect anything less from our mate.
Communication is something that always get better with age, understanding, and insight. It is connected to understanding one's self and all of the baggage that each of us have collected over the years. Relationships and the idea of one should not be taken lightly. If second thoughts or something triggers a negative response then it should be examined before making a serious commitment. If communication is hurtful, damaging, or simply nonexistent it is a signal to move on to unless both parties are willing to work towards improvement with honest admissions.
Lastly, if a hurdle or obstacle is not handled well as an individual, it will be no different when they are shared with another. And that brings me to one's willingness to change. Yes, change. Change is never comfortable and I will not write some sappy line about changing for those you love and care about. What I will say is that change is inevitable if one is growing and maturing into a better understanding. In fact change is connected to emotional maturity and understanding. Each couple can honestly say that they are different from when they met 20 years ago. And they are able to stay together because of something bigger than vows, children, and obligation. Now the magic is very individual but I have found that all of these ingredients can be found in the yummy cake batter that makes relationships stick.
So make sure you find yourself first and love yourself and then watch the magic unfold for you too.
